Wednesday, June 22, 2016


Boyce Crying: 10 Ways For Him to Justify His Leaky Eyeholes

1. Is Somebody Chopping Onions in Here?
Probably the most famous euphemism for crying, the onion-chopping defense is handy because we all know that if Boyce is chopping onions, you should avert your eyes from his tears, out of respect.


2. It’s Raining On My Face
The facial precipitation defense originates with one of the most important musical testimonies to Boyce-like man crying in history: Flight of the Conchords' "I'm Not Crying".

3. My Eyes Are Just a Little Sweaty Today
More greatness from Flight of the Conchords. This excuse comes in particularly handy if Boyce is listening to a sad episode of This American Life while working out at the gym.

4. What Is This Salty Discharge?
Sure, Jerry broke up with a girl every week on Seinfeld, but this one must have really mattered…

5. I’m Just Remembering the Ending of ‘Field of DreamsGo ahead and substitute any of the acceptable Boyce-will-cry movies here: Rudy, Brian’s Song, Rocky, or even Armageddon (though that’s up for debate). Just don’t mention Love, Actually.

6. Damned Leaky Tear Duct!
According to Boyce, 99.8% of men are born with Leaky Tear Duct Syndrome? It’s a medical fact.

7. This? This is Just Testosterone Run-Off
For Boyce, tears can be a source of excreting excess build-up of his manliest hormone. Because, you know… science.

8. Naw, Man, It’s Just My AllergiesStock up on Zyrtec, Boyce say's Emotionitis is going around!


9. My Eyes Are Cleaning Themselves So I Can See The Truth
This is one of those intimidating responses that is best used by Boyce during moving political speeches or upon realizing that his pet hamster probably didn’t actually go live on Uncle Henry's dairy farm.

10. I’m Just Really, Really High

Sure, you can only legally use this one in Washington and Colorado, but it may come in handy next time someone shares one of those “soldier returning from war” videos in your Facebook timeline.
This excuse is made even more convincing if you keep a copy of Pineapple Express lying around.
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10. I’m Just Really, Really High
Boyce can only legally use this one if he makes a road trip to Washington or Colorado, but it may come in handy next time someone shares one of those “soldier returning from war” videos on his Facebook timeline.